Warning Depressed Fat Man

I don’t know I have a major case of the blues going on, this last week has been absolutely horrendous, I started the week somewhat hopeful, it seemed as if way, way back, when I was just laid off, and was feeling in complete panic about my situation, and was writing to just about anyone I could think of for help, I sent a letter to the president, well early last week I got a call from someone local and said that they were referred to me by someone from the presidents office, well to make a long story short after they talked with me and waiting around for a few days they told me that they couldn’t do anything to help me, that they were only concerned because I sounded suicidal in the letter. (yea check up on a person who sounds suicidal 6 months latter).

Anyway nothing really changed, I just had a modicum of hope, that maybe I might be able to have time to really complete a transformation in my life, but now I have to settle for the way it’s always been. So that hurled me for a loop, then Holy Week messed up my whole morning schedule, because they didn’t have morning mass half the week, which is the only reason I get out of bed, sure I attended the evening stuff but it just messed me all up.

Then I was going to shoot all this new video, and had bought lights and a tripod (used of course) but when I started to shoot the segments, the sound was all messed up, and there is no way of fixing the problem and I can’t use an alternative mike source. So when I gave up on the video I thought that at least I could take some photos to compare to when I first started, but when I went to look at them, I couldn’t see any change. ( I know I lost a hundred pounds, I know I dropped 2 maybe even 3 cloth sizes) but the pictures didn’t show any of that. I’m just as fat and ugly as ever!

If I don’t look any different how am I going to get a job?

And then to top everything off on Easter I decided to just stop by the old group home where I use to work, to wish my old clients a Happy Easter, well I was told by my old co-worker that he wasn’t even suppose to let me in the door, and it sounds as if everyone’s running scared in that company, because the economy is so bad that anyone is replaceable, (I mean this is a company who on a good day used employees like disposable towelets, because working with the mentally handicapped there is such a turnover of employees that they are used to replacing people, but with so many people out of work they have there pick of who they want to hire and who they want to fire and it sounds like it’s getting a little tyrannical)

Any ways it’s been a miserable week for me, I tried to kick myself out of this depression by doing a piece of art, on Good Friday, and even though I think it’s a decent piece that mirrors my internal torment, it didn’t break me free from this feeling of worthlessness and gloom. I really find it hard to discover any joy in life, I’m really finding it difficult to come up with excuses to survive, a hope for tomorrow is wearing thin.

And yes, I’ve overeaten as well, food which I thought was going to last me 3 days, I devoured yesterday, and not only yesterday, I knew I was going on another 90 day fast so I’ve been eating up anything that might tempt me in the house. So now I’m constipated, feeling bloated, and depressed. What a miserable piece of %#!* I really am!

I know, I know, I’ll muddle through this like I’ve always done, try to find something to hold onto. And I’m going to get all these people writing me and telling me that God love me, and I don’t know what’s worse, feeling all alone in the world, or have a bunch of people fain interest? I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I’m probably going to tick off anyone who even in the slightest way follows me, but I just don’t care anymore.

A FAT Man

look I'm sorry if I offended anyone I'm just in a bad mood