The Wall of Disillusionment

I almost feel like I’ve hit a wall both physically, and mentally and most definitely emotionally, in my weight loss regime. You see after I got through my 90 day fast, and I looked in the mirror, I was still fat. Oh sure I lost 100lbs, and dropped a few sizes but I’m still close to 400lbs, and I’m still incredibly obese. Nothing really has changed in my life; I’m still unemployed, I still have trouble getting up steps, I am still alone, and to top everything off Dr. Phil ran a show about teenage suicide which got me thinking about the futility of existence. And so for the last week or so I’ve been in one of my famous blue funks.

Don’t freak out, I’m not going to kill myself or anything, you just question WHY?

Sure I don’t want to have to be living on the streets, or in my 20 year old broken down car. But is that enough of a reason? Is maintaining my crappy existence any reason to struggle to survive?

And now that I have a scale, and can weigh myself, the numbers just don’t seem to be moving. Sure I’ve been off my diet for the last few weeks, but it isn’t like I’ve gone all hog, I’ve been watching what I eat, trying to keep calories down below a thousand, but I’m just not seeing that much progress. And then there’s this whole fitness club fiasco. The second phase of my diet program is contingent on me starting to work out and exercise. It’s imperative that I burn at least 300 calories a day through exercise in order to accommodate the solid food that I want to add to my program. (Which I’ve bought all ready and is sitting in my cabinets) But when I can’t find out how much the gyms around me cost, to even try to calculate whether it even feasible financially for me to join one, how do I even attempt the next step? That’s why I was so angry in my postings yesterday. It’s just like running into a brick wall.

I just want to chuck everything and go back on a 90 day fast again, but that’s not going to get me physically fit in order to get another job or do my play which is always in the back of my head. I have to be able to walk up levels with some sort of ease, be able to stand on my feet for some considerable time, and be able to get out of a chair with out looking like a need a crane to lift me. And I have about 3 months to do that in. A very doable task if I could get to and afford a gym, but without the gym, I don’t know, I can motivate myself for a while, but it will be raining out side or get cold, my leg will start hurting, and one day will lead into the next, and I will be laying in my bed again, doing less than I ‘m doing now and eating more. I know this, … that’s the trouble. At least if I go back on another 90 day fast I know that I’m going to lose weight, but is losing the weight going to be enough to prepare me? I don’t think so. And what do I do with the 3 months of food that I have, I don’t know think it will survive another 3 months I bought it outdated all ready?

I don’t know, my life sucks, my life has always sucked, what makes me think losing weight would change anything? Why am I doing this?

These are the things that everyone feels when you hit a wall in your weight loss program, and I don’t know what the answer is. Usually I will do some type of art, make myself feel good about myself again, prove to myself that I have some worth again, but even that is starting to wan. I have absolutely no idea what non artsy type people do, to prove to yourself that you are worth the air that you breathe, and the space that you take up. I do know that this feeling will pass and that I will grasp at some strand of hope, no mater how thin in order to survive, because that’s what I’ve always done.

It doesn’t make for a great existence, But hay, I’m still here. Whether that’s a benefit or detriment to society that will be for others to judge. I just worry about getting through this day, and then the next, climbing the wall of disillusionment and trying to see a brighter future.

Peace

FM