Is Life Compelling?

You know I’ve been thinking (always a dangerous sign), and I just don’t get it, I mean that I just don’t find life that compelling. Not that I’m trying to depressive or maudlin, but I just don’t see the value of life. And I know that some of this is on me, because life is what you make it, and trust me I’m not thinking in any way shape or form about suicide, it’s just … WHY. I mean we struggle to survive, scrimp and save in order to live a comfortable life, or at least as comfortable as we can. Try to live as decent human beings, hoping that you don’t piss off God, so that, if there is an afterlife, you don’t end up in a worse place than your living now. But would it bother me if someone told me that I had 6 month or a year to live? I don’t think so because I don’t find life compelling. Oh sure there are moments that you say “life is good”, but what, that’s like once or twice a year, and the bad time far exceed the good times, but most often you just get through another day. You get up do what you have to do to survive, wait around until you get tired enough to go to sleep again and then do the same thing again. Occasionally you might find some amusement in an activity or something but it’s just a way of wasting time until you get tired enough to go to sleep where you get a momentary instant of peace from the grind of day to day life.

I just don’t see it.

And everyone always so hopped up on saving lives or what a tragedy when someone dies and I just don’t feel the same way. But then I’ve always felt out of step with the world, maybe I was really meant do die when I was prematurely born and the magic of modern science forced me to live this existence. Am I as odd as I think I am? Or do other people feel this way and it’s just some deep dark secret that we refuse to acknowledge?

I would really like to know why people find life compelling or is it just the only game in town and we try to make the best of it?

Anyways, the diets going ok, I dropped another 6 pounds, it’s not coming off as fast as I want it to, but progress none the less. I’m dead tired today, because I really pushed myself hard yesterday, and I just don’t have any energy, and that’s the way it’s been going, one day on and one day off so my body has time to repair itself. I’m at 380 now which means I’ve lost 130lbs. But I’m starting to worry about my deadline, in something like 6 weeks my extended unemployment runs out, and I’m in no way physically fit enough in order to survive. And I can’t push myself any harder, the body takes however long it takes and I’m sure my age has something to do with that, but time is my enemy. And everything is riding on the hope that I can do my play, that it’s marketable, and that I can bring in enough revenue in order to survive. There’s that word again, not thrive, not enjoy life, just survive!

I did hit a milestone yesterday: I was able to buy a shirt in a normal store yesterday, not even a normal store but a bargain bin of a supermarket none the less, sure it was still 4xl and I had my chose of brown or brown, but hey, it wasn’t a big and tall man’s store, or a specialty catalog, I haven’t been able to do that since … well since the Millennium started … PROGRESS.

I hope everyone is doing ok, I do miss writing this blog, but by the time I finish exercising and studying my play, and doing what I need to do in order to get to that next step, ( if my body ever decides to cooperate) I just don’t have the strength or mental agility to write everyday. But I do miss you all dearly. You were my connection to the world and with out that I’m feeling a bit lost. But like always, I struggle through, hoping things might someday get easier or waiting for God to show some mercy and end all this.

I guess that I shouldn’t end on a negative note, because nothing major is happening to me I’m just in the blahs, and I just keep pushing on, nothing good, nothing bad, just keeping on, pushing on.

Peace.